


Kanaya: Go Grimlight

by orphan_account



Series: Unhealthily Pale (the remix) [2]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Addiction, F/F, Implied/Referenced Underage Relationship(s), Quadrant Confusion, Unhealthy Relationships, not everything is tagged for some semblance of suspense, so be careful
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-08
Updated: 2015-07-08
Packaged: 2018-04-08 08:00:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4296894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would you say if I said a dutiful girl raised in the daylight was protected by a bulb-headed guardian, and learned to glow in the dark after death?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kanaya: Go Grimlight

**Author's Note:**

> psst reminder to highlight text for doc scratch

One day, you come into the room bringing bottles of your own, and place them down next to hers. She is mercifully sober, and seems to be in one of her more contemplative moods, content to simply stare at the curves and ridges of the glass than to actually imbibe from them.  
You eye the delicious shades swirling in the bottles, and think about their corpses. Her gaze shifts to your collection, and you watch as she ticks off the colours of the rainbow in her head, and notes the missing colour.  


Is my blood not to your tastes? Or perhaps there is some quaint cultural stigma towards consuming the blood colour of one’s moirail?   
Unfortunately I Can No Longer Consult Porrim On Rainbow Drinker Etiquette But I Think This Is Just A Personal Preference  
And Your Blood Is Stupidly Delicious  
Perhaps because of the rush from ignoring borderline incestuous social stipulations?  
Rose We Both Know That You Dont Want To Analyse My Every Action  
Besides I Would Rather Drink Directly From Your Neck Instead Of A Bottle  
I Believe It Is A Sign Of Respect  
I’m honoured. But why the display? Are you suggesting we both get crunk together?  
Crunk  
Completely retro-punk.   
As In We Shave Our Heads Or  
Im Not Entirely Certain Of This Earth Tradition Nor What It Has To Do With Blood Or Alcohol  
Yes, perhaps Dave could be more insightful in that particular matter. Perhaps you intended that we instead get hashtag wasted?  
What  
Rose I Am Almost Entirely Sure You Are Joking But No One Is Getting Hashtag Wasted  
What Does That Even Mean  
It essentially entails that we drink until we cannot. Or that we die a hilarious and gruesome death.   
Oh  
That Is Rather The Opposite Of What I Am Saying  
Oh.  
What exactly are you suggesting?  
That We Pour All Of Our Respective Addictive Liquid Down A Whirling Hole Consumer  
I’m afraid that is impossible. Or, at the very least, redundant.  
Why  
If you wish to stop me from drinking it by throwing it away, you forget that i can alchemize it easily.  
I Think It Would Be Easier If It Wasn’t In Your Direct Line Of Sight Though  
Did you know it was my mother’s birthday today?  
That Was Quite An Abrupt Change Of Topic  
No, it was permissible. It directly relates to this topic. You see, I am merely honouring an old earthly tradition, of allowing one’s parents to dictate your future primary source of liquid. Mine was decided to be alcohol, and thus I shall only partake of it’s heavenly goodness as a matter of pride.  
That Is Such An Outrageous Lie  
I Have Seen You Drink Many Other Things  
For Example That Smoothie Dave Made That One Time  
Or That Faygo When Terezi Offered It To Us  
Ah, yes, I think Terezi would understand. Terezi. Poor Terezi. I’ll try to talk to her about it later. Our respective duties to past lifetimes and past companions.   
Are You Being This Annoyingly Vague For A Purpose  
Everything is for a purpose, Kanaya.  


She leans forward with a wink, and you wonder if she was really as sober as you previously thought.

And, I was thinking, you look rather weak. Are you sure that blood isn’t vital to your continued survival? You will be essential to this final battle, and we need you to function.  
In fact, I was thinking that you could drink from me tonight. It’s been awhile since you last did, so I have sufficiently recovered. I’m sure it would benefit us both.  


You taste, rather than feel, the dryness of your throat, and your silent longing for the warmth of a pulse. Did she See this, your desire for a loophole? A way to meddle and a way to rebel, to defy and to belong. You feel an intense pity for her, in her desperation and in your own.  
You wonder if this conversation was ever going to go in another direction, or if you always knew she would ask you to feed from her. Did you have a hand in this, did you intend this outcome, you think, as she subtly exposes her neck to you and her veins shift.

Rose Are You Sure  
Poshitive. ;)  


Some part of you must have known she would want this, just as you had known that you wanted it.  
Rose knew, you think, and you love and hate her even more, as you close the distance between her neck and your teeth. You forget why you walked in here in the first place, and you forget where you even are. She sighs, and you drink and drink.

**Years in the future, but not many.**

Kayaks  
(hic)  
Kanayyyyaa  
...   
Kapaya,, do you remember when my hair was white and like... flying.  
Flying  
Yeah! Flying but I mean less my hair and more my body. ;)   
And my skin was like darker than usual? And my mother fucking DIED  
She died. Don't forget that bit, it's vitold to my character arc!  
I saw her get (hic) STABBED and I didn't do anything at all.  
Do you remember that?? That was this timeline, right? Am I going crazy again? Kanaya?   
Rose  
Calm Down   
Deep Breaths Remember  
Kuyana, correct me if I'm wr,,ong but did you have a boob headed guardian??  
bulb** LOL  
Was he like a complete aSShole with a god complex?? Or less of a complex and more like being an actual God.  
Oh wait, EXcuse me, godLIKE!!!   
Yes I Did  
He Was Actually Very Kind  
I Couldn't Sleep When I Was Younger Though I Was No Where Near As Bad As Karkat  
The Bags Under His Eyes Are Still Blacker Than That Disgusting Coffee  
His bags are Gucci,, Kanaya!! You wouldn't understand.  
Um  
Youre Right I Dont Understand  
Are You Sure Youre Alright  
Im Not Sure Who To Trust At This Point On The Subject Of Your Inebriation   
Dave Whos Words Are Perpetually Laced With Double Meanings And Archaic References To A World I Didnt Even Live In  
Or You Who Cant Even Stand Up Properly   
Quite Frankly Im Spoilt For Choice  
But Yes Back To Your Original Question  
I Did Have A Guardian  
Although To Me He Was More Like A Friend  
My Lusus Didnt Provide Much In The Way Of Friendship As She Had Very Important Maternal Role To Fulfil  
I Was Lonely  
I Hadnt Found Anyone On Trollian Yet And I Was Going Stir Crazy  
Like Many Human Wrigglers I Was Deathly Terrified Of The Dark But In Alternia Such A Weakness Would Be Considered Imbecilic   
The Sun After All Was More A Weapon Of Destruction Than A Bringer Of Warmth  
But I Was So Comforted By Its Rays That I Couldnt Understand  
I Was Brought Up Apart From Their Culture Anyway So It Doesnt Matter Much  
The Dark Scared Me To The Point Where I Just Wouldnt Sleep  
What Is Sleep But Hours Of Darkness Anyway At Least Thats All It Was Until He Showed Me Prospit  
I Know He Was Just Setting Things Into Motion  
But He Showed Me A Whole Other World And I Still Am Very Grateful To Him   
Aw.  
Wait, are you still talking about poc scratch !!  
Kanapa, No!  
What  
Don't trusht a single world he said to you.  
I know he was like your childhood chummy.  
Chumpster.  
Chum.  
But there is no way he has your best intenshuns at heart.  
Before I went brothers Grimm he told me about his creepy students. One of them was youuuu and one of them was me. And I went batshit insane,, and umm the oshu one was eroding! *eridan lol the purple douche who KILLED you one time !!  
What if he's like...  
Masterminding you !! To be like a hidden weapon! Woowww, that's your arc right there! Very fulfishling, I think. I deserve another drink.  
Rose Are You Sure  
Yes!! I am 100% sure, I have never been surer abut anything! This drink will be soo good!! Anyway its my choice. I _consent_ to this drink.  
I Know  
I know, _Mom._ Ha. Ha, ha. She's dead. I mean obvshhous...ly she's dead! Doornail! But um, yeah, I'm drinking this.  
Do You Really Think Im Mothering You  
Well I don't know,, do I?? What kind of mom did I even have! Anyway isn't that your whole Schlick ?? Your whole Thing. The shazam.   
Okay Rose I Think Its Time You Went To Bed  
Wow,, Kap so forward ! Hzzup!   
Sigh  
Siighgh!  


hey kanaya  
hows it going  
Fantastic  
Dave Im Sorry I Really Have To Go  
You Understand  
yeah man   
lady issues or what  
Of A Kind  
wow tmi much  
anyway see you around  


Rose  
It’s okay, Kanaya.  


**Kanaya: Be past Kanaya**

 

I Need Your Help  
I’ll wait for you to elaborate, despite it being an unnecessary act for both of us and will undoubtedly obscure and elongate the conversation further.  
Im Not Sure If You Intended On Mocking Me With That Statement  
But It Seems As If We Both Have Predilection To Rambling  
However That Doesnt Matter Right Now  
You Helped Me Before And I Expect You Will Help Me Again  
Even If Only To Further Your Own Goals  
Do I detect a slight anger behind your words?  
Do You  
Don’t worry, my omniscience is definitely still a thing that is happening.   
I am humouring you.  
All of my questions are simply facts disguised with a question mark.  
Besides, you have my utmost assurance that my past actions were not designed for betrayal.  
Nor were they destined for it.  
Rather, they were beneficial for both parties. A tidy deal, I think.  
You got your sleep, and I got my rainbow drinker.  
I Am Not Yours  
You once were, though.   
My most dutiful student. I’m afraid my lessons were not accepted so willingly from the others.  
I know your curiosity is maddening.  
I won’t reveal my students, though, until they finish their final exam.  
This Metaphor Is Getting Quite Tiresome.  
You are one of those students, Kanaya. Your time has not yet come.  
Is That It Then  
I Cant Help Her  
Im Forced To Watch Her Disappear  
I believe the current state of your screen won’t allow that. Her darkness could be considered a blessing, then.  
I know darkness could never be a benediction to you, of course, as I never allowed it.  
Light was to be your saviour and your downfall.  
You Said My Time Would Come Later  
How Much Later  
Is this really the question you want answered.  
Oh No  
Here Comes Your Time Is Relative Schtick  
I Am Aware Of Times Constant Progression And Its Distortion Given Heavy Layers Of Paradox Or Gravity Or Whatever  
Sorry Im Not Exactly An Expert On The Matter  
Even Though Im Not An Expert On Space Either So I Guess My Knowledge Is Rather General In All Subjects  
I believe your difficulty with your spatial aspect is not of importance. Light is your first ally, and there is an absence of light in space.  
There is nothing for it to reflect from.  
Okay Ignoring Your Condescending Manner And Continuing  
Despite What Impression I May Give  
I Am Kind Of In A Hurry  
Time is dead kids?  
Im Going To Suspect That You Are Fulfilling Some Vague Omniscient Duty With That Statement And Ignore You Once Again  
But Yes Rose May Die If I Do Not Stop Her  
I Think She Is Too Dangerous For The Game To Allow Her To Live  
You’re right.  
Her death is imminent.  
Hmm.  
Pretend my hand is comforting your shoulder by periodically patting it. Pat, pat.  
Don’t worry, you’ll stop crying in approximately eighteen seconds.  
I would offer you some candy, but my previous suggestion offended someone’s decencies.  
Then again, they were merely strange human notions.  
You are a troll. Perhaps candy doesn’t carry such ludicrous connotations.   
Of course, my use of ‘perhaps’ and other words implying ignorance are simply adding weight to what I’m sure would be otherwise blunt and distasteful phrasing.  
I’ve been told it adds charm.  
You once thought so.  
I Was Young  
Im Not So Impressionable Now  
Aren’t you?  
This Conversation Is Suddenly Horrible   
Im Leaving  
Thank You So Much For Your Help   
Ill Never Be Able To Repay You For Your Great Kindness  
That Was Sarcasm By The Way  
You Were No Help Whatsoever  


**Kanaya: Be Future Kanaya**

You cannot be future Kanaya because you are currently present Kanaya.  
However, it has been approximately three years since your last conversation with Doc Scratch, and despite his ominous tone, you have been doing pretty okay.  
Well, until tonight, that is.  
It was the day of the final fight, the one to end it all. Normally you would be preparing everyone for this, but you have been informed by some Reliable Sources that everything will Go To Shit.

Hello, Kanaya.  
Is Now Really Necessary  
Dont You Think This Could Be Delayed Until There Are No Imminent Threats  
You and I both know that our communication always takes place exactly when it needs to.  
I’m sorry to see that you haven’t progressed your learning past our last conversation.   
I expected more of you from three years, but I suppose I should allow that it had only been a few seconds from my perspective.  
You seem eerily quiet, and I know you are not considering the forthcoming battle.  
Have I dismayed you?  
I Have Spoken To Rose About Our Past Correspondence And She Advised Me To Ignore Any Further Messages  
Ah, yes, Rose. Did she lie to you about my hand in her downfall?  
Believe me, she was leading herself to an early grave.  
Speaking of which, that is exactly how tonight will end.   
Many Will Die I Believe  
None Will Be Her  
Mmm. I suppose we had best leave that particular topic for later on. When you stop denying a truth presented from an all-knowing being.  
You must’ve been suitably starved for light during your trip, Kanaya.  
I’m sure a meteor hurtling through space would not carry much natural light.   
Then again, maybe your light player was sufficient.   
Please Do Not Involve Rose  
She’s already ensnared in our plans, though, isn’t she?  
I Have Not Made Any Plans With You  
Has Your Omniscience Finally Led You Astray  
Yes, and a pink flesh covered snout-beast just flew by your ear.  
Goodness  
Ive Prepared A Toast In Honour Of This Occasion  
It Is Undeniably Brief But I Believe It Is Uncharacteristically To The Point  
Leave Me Alone  
…  
Please  
I suppose I can obey just this once. Your politeness brings me back to the days of your youth. You always were my favourite student.  
Although I understand you are no longer looking at your screen, I believe it is important to restate.   
Your matesprit will die.   


You turn off your computer and turn to Rose, and you feel so grateful for her sobriety, her clarity. She looks back at you, and you both smile. There had been a time in your relationship, where she was draining bottles daily, and you drank from her neck every night. You tried not to dwell on it too much, but it all became a sinful blur of gluttony and addiction, and some nights you think what horrible palemates you would have made.

Filthy enablers, you think, and laugh for Dave. Her hand reaches for yours, and you’re glad you didn’t flip black, as you’ve always felt too meddlesome to be a true kismesis. Rose thinks there wouldn’t be any stability, nor anyone capable of controlling the unhealthiness. When you had discussed your quadrants, you had both decided that you would inevitably flip if you decided to stay in a single one, so your relationship has remained wonderfully and painfully ambiguous. However, she still called you her girlfriend, while you called her your matesprit.

You lean in closer, and touch the bridge of your nose to her neck, breathing in her blood and feeling the remnants of your bites. Some would never heal, and you worried at the part of you that relished that. Scratch had told you, when you were younger, that you reminded him of a couple that lived in his house. Too passionate to be anything but a liability. Unless your energies focused. You dismiss this almost instantly, and in the moments you hesitated you think of your old room, and your old ceiling you littered with his gifted glow in the dark stars. Some nights you would count them, and think of him, the only mystery in the life where the clouds betrayed the future, and your role was determined. Maternity. You swirl the word around in your mouth, and think of a swelling, a stirring, and a growth. 

The idea of protecting something, someone, had always been very dear to you. He had been your first protector, you think with a bitter tint, and rest your eyes on Rose. If he had taught you anything at all, you would have learnt how to protect. He took so much pride in his lessons, and he would surely approve of this final, riskful test.  
You needed a test of your abilities as well, and a way to prove the absolute emotion you felt for this delicate human. You had once told her you had considered the frailty of her throat and wrists, and she concluded that you should perhaps test some new things in the bedroom.  
You kiss her neck, and hope by some miracle that your saliva could heal ~~(magnify)~~ the scars on her neck, alter their utter visibility to your mutual friends. A beacon of your failings as a troll and a matesprit.

Kanaya.  


You thank the heavens she can pronounce your name again, that she had not lost her eloquence permanently. Her lips drag on her teeth as she forms her next words, and your mind clouds. She always brought out the worst in you, and the best.

There’s something I wanted to tell you.  


Dave shouts get a room  
across the victory platform, and Rose snuggles in closer to your form, before showing him her curved middle finger. You repeat this gesture, one admittedly slightly foreign to you, and turn back to her.  
Did You Want To Reaffirm My Position As The Light Of Your Life  
you ask, mostly humorously, as it had gradually become less of a joke and more a legitimate term of endearment.  
She smiles, and you know what she will say.  
Aren’t I the light of _your_ life? I am seer of it, after all.  
And I Am Literally Emanating It Around Me As We Speak We Shall Have To Get An Impartial Vote To Decide  
We shall. It would be useful to know who truly personifies light, and who consequently must be darkness, as if it weren’t already obvious. You were always taken with light.  
And You With Darkness  
Did you hate me, for leaving?  


She looks up at you with those crystalline eyes, and you cannot tell her the truth.  


I Could Never Hate You  


She looks as if she’s ready to ask more, so you conclude with a more honest statement.  


Im Afraid I Still Dont Want To Discuss Your Grimdarkness Though  
It Scares Me  
I understand.  
And you think, do you? And you know she does, she does, and that is why you are so entranced and so engrossed and so lovingingly trapped. Your blood-pusher pounds, and you hope your undead hand isn’t too cold for her.  
She thinks if you were more self-deprecating, you would have made a fine knight, and you cannot express your gratitude in words, despite her nonchalance.

(A love that transcends quadrants could never be allowed to last.)  


They arrive early, and no one expects it. Everyone was still meeting and greeting, and sorting out differences. You were still holding Rose, and Roxy was walking towards you, with something behind her back. You see a sliver of orange, the texture of the rough horns twisting out of your scalp, and you _know_. You feel it in your essence, in your core, and just when your tears begin to drop, she begins to evaporate. Roxy is screaming, and with a beam of horrific light Lord English announces his arrival. You watch your hopes and dreams get decimated into nothingness, taken with the void player who was the only one who could spirit them back. You know that it couldn’t be a doomed session, because you know that the game never intended you to have any worth. Distantly, you hear Rose howl, and before you can grab her, she flies towards the Lord.  
You think that maybe it was your own screams echoing around your eardrums, and you dumbly watch Rose go towards her certain death with blind naivety and anger.

(What sort of story would this be, with our main players made to stay alive? Certainly not one the alpha timeline would allow.  
Hee, Hee.)  


You charge after her, reckless in your indecision, but it is too late. She’s swallowed up by the fucking light and you feel so _betrayed_ and so _stupid,_ a stupid little girl who trusted in the wrong man. Her hand had been stretched out to you, and once again you failed to save anyone. You couldn’t stop at killing an entire race, you just had to kill your matesprit as well! You feel a clicking in your jaw, and you hear the fight around you stop. And stare. You feel their eyes on you, and you wonder if you squeezed them hard enough if they would leak. What colours would you see? You hadn’t yet drunk them all, you think, and laugh to yourself. You’re not actually sure if your laugh was as quiet as you intended, as everyone is still looking at you strangely. Rose just _died,_ who cares what I look like? You wish you could make them disappear, for a little, until you figure out how to disappear yourself. You’d like to follow Rose into that light, but you can’t, you just have to stay here and die. The timeline will reset, you hope, and you’ll be granted the mercy of oblivion.

(In this instance, alpha timeline refers to the one most beneficial to my guest. And what kind of host wouldn’t do the best to welcome their guests into their home. Not I, of course. I am simply the best host there is.)  


You realise you are glowing quite prominently, and their eyeballs have not ceased their glares. You feel the weight of the chainsaw in your hand, and you want to rip out your skin and shield yourself from its rays.  
You turn around, your vision a white rage, seeing fury and heat and a cape. At the cape, your mind goes curiously numb, and you remember the damnation of your species, your failure to do the only thing entrusted to you in this horrible game. You remember, rather than see, the shock of white and feel the absence in your abdomen, your missing materials. You are gripped by a sudden need to gnash your teeth into fine powder, and crush his wands, his eyes, his skull and you feel, rather than see, blood. It isn’t purple, or violet, or whatever the fuck you want to call it, and it isn’t glorious. It’s red, the colour of your moirail, the colour of your matesprit’s moirail, and for a glimpse of a second, you wonder which one you killed. Before you stop, though, you taste her voice, the sour and empty promises of her cerulean. Your anger doesn’t so much bubble back up but froth incessantly, and your chainsaw whirs once more.

And once her blood is spilt, or splattered, you see Karkat and feel such relief that he wasn’t the one you killed. He looks so disappointed, and he is so primal in his emotions that you cannot help but to feel immense sadness for him, to watch another moirail succumb. You do not kill him, as you had already memorised the metallic tinge of his blood.  
You see Terezi, and she sees you. She is bloody, yet you do not yen for her either. She is too calm, and too accepting for you to truly keep any rage, and you both know that the session is no longer in your control. She looks at you with pity, and with the same sad familiarity as Karkat, as if she too would blame herself for your episode.  
You wish you had helped her, and you know she wishes she had helped you, but she understands fate, and luck, and doesn’t complain.  
Your luminescent ivory hands are stained with your own trail, and that of your friends and enemies, and you feel with the sympathy of the undead. One must be grateful for any borrowed time.  
Still shaking, as you haven’t yet lost your adrenaline, you ignore the corpses you have created, and look up into the brightness waiting for you. He had bred you for light, and you step willingly into your destiny.  
Death comes easy.

**Author's Note:**

> okay its nearly one am and i admittedly have not checked if this fic actually makes any sense  
> however it took me two hours to do all the pesterlog colours, so im just going to go to sleep and hope that this is legible.  
> pro writing tip: write fanficition whilst your nose is bleeding! cause that is how half of this was written, in a blood-loss induced rush (dw i did the whole blocking off the bridge of my nose and stuff while i was typing)


End file.
